In the Bitter Glass
by Adi88
Summary: Gaze no more in the bitter glass... But what if that shattered mirror is all you have?


Disclaimer: _Fan_fiction. Okay? Does that make people happy? I don't own it, or them, or the curse, or even the computer I'm typing this on. Or the poem, which is by W. B. Yeats.

And this takes place during the earlier volumes of the manga. Around the fourth, after Haru and Momiji start high school and the assault on the Hana-chan's house by the Pri-Yuki girls.

Dedication: For Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, a brilliant author without whom I wouldn't have read this poem. Ever.

_The Two Trees_

_Beloved, gaze in thine own heart._

_Gaze no more in the bitter glass_

_The demons, with their subtle guile._

_Lift before us when they pass,_

_Or only gaze a little while;_

_For there the fatal image grows _

_That the stormy night receives, _

_Roots half hidden under snows, _

_Broken boughs and blackened leaves. _

_For ill things turn to barrenness_

_In the dim glass the demons hold, _

_The glass of outer weariness,_

_Made when God slept in times of old._

_There, through the broken branches, go_

_The ravens of unresting thought; _

_Flying, crying, to and fro, _

_Cruel claw and hungry throat,_

_Or else they stand and sniff the wind, _

_And shake their ragged wings; alas!_

_Thy tender eyes grow all unkind: _

_Gaze no more in the bitter glass._

Chapter One

I stumble down the stairs, history textbook clasped loosely in one hand. It's too early to be up at all in my opinion, but apparently whoever assigned school hours doesn't feel the same way. And if I can pry my eyes open, I'll study a bit before it's time to leave.

I know I'll do well on the test. I always do. I just like to be sure.

"Good morning, Yuki-kun!" Honda-san chirps. She's smiling, warm brown eyes open and happy. It's what I love about her. I hadn't believed people like her existed until I met this one. Even now, I don't think I'll ever reach her. That smile will always be just out of reach.

But it does exist. It is there, and so close…

"Breakfast is ready, so if you just sit down I'll bring it out -"

"Let him get his own damn breakfast," you pant, bursting in from your morning run. It's inhuman, getting up that much earlier than necessary.

"Oh – oh, well… Kyo-kun, why don't you sit down too and we can all eat together –"

I smack the back of your head and sit, smiling. "I'd love breakfast, Honda-kun, especially if you ate with me."

"Oh!" She blushes adorably. "Okay, I'll just be right back then!" And she beams at you on her way to the kitchen.

"Dammit, you rat, why'd you always gotta go outta your way to make me look bad? You and Shigure both –"

"One, I am nothing like that perverted novelist. Two, it is completely unnecessary to go out of anyone's way to make you look bad. You do it on your own. Now can you handle a third point, or am I out of numbers you understand?"

"Wha – why don't you stand up and look me in the face when you say that, rat-boy?" You get angry so easily, Kyo.

"Because in the logic of your Neanderthal brain, that would make it a challenge and I'm not fighting you until I've eaten."

"Oh, so you're chickening out? Stalling? That just figures. Why don't you just –"

"Here we go!" Honda-san breezes in, laying out the breakfast things and rendering you temporarily speechless. "Kyo-kun, is something wrong?"

"Just the damn rat getting on my nerves," you growl, throwing yourself down to sit at the table. "It can wait, I guess, if you have to serve the food now."

"Would you rather I waited? I mean I could but then it might get cold and we might be late for school and then we wouldn't have gotten a proper start on the day and my mom always said –"

"Honda-kun, the food looks delicious. Let's not wait, all right? I'm sure the stupid cat is hungry too," I say, picking up your mess again.

"Yeah, I'm hungry," you add, glaring at me. "And you better eat up so you'll have the energy to fight me later, rat, 'cause you can bet I'm not gonna let this one rest!"

"No," I say. "No, I didn't imagine you would."

_You never do. That's the thing about you, Kyo, you never give up. You're always there. And I know you care about Honda-san as much as I do, but you're always saying those stupid things that make her nervous. _

_You're careless. So careless, hissing and spitting and angry. It sounds like the description of a cat, doesn't it? Or a fire. Fire to my snow. Only fires burn out eventually, and you never will. You'll always be there. _

_And you'll always find me. It could be flattering, really. Training and fighting bears in the mountains for four months just to beat me. Just think, you gave up over a quarter of a year for me. _

_For the rat. _

_For the arrogant, cold rat. _

_That's what you want, isn't it? Unflappable, insensitive, always there to point out your mistakes. That is what you ask for. _

_So… so that's what I am. _

Chapter Two

The school building is nearly empty when I get there. I had to leave before the others, which made Kyo unhappy to say the least. He was bellowing something about what I coward I was, but apparently it wasn't enough of a deterrent to his walk with Honda-kun, since he stayed behind with her.

But I have student council duties to attend to, preferably before anyone else shows up.

"Yuki!" The gasp sounds almost painful, and I turn quickly to find you standing there. "I didn't – I didn't think you'd be here yet."

"Usually I wouldn't be. I had some things that needed to be done. Can I help you with anything, Minagawa-san?"

"Oh. Oh, no. I just. I was here, and then you walked in so I wanted to say hello." You wave, cheeks bright red. "Hello."

I smile. "Hello to you, as well."

You look ready to swoon, and then your face runs through a rapid, transparent series of emotions. Hope, despair, anger, jealousy, determination. I've heard people call you collected, focused, but you always seem so scattered around me that I can't quite believe it.

"Where are your friends? You know, your cousins, and that – and Tohru-san."

"I'm not sure, but they'll be along shortly. Did you want to speak to one of them? I could give them a message for you."

"No! No, that's all right, I just wondered. You're usually with one of them, lately. I was just surprised to find you alone."

_Yes… that has become an odd occurrence. _

_But I stand there, wasting time listening to your awkward prattle. You're always so nervous, as if so much rests on speaking to me. But you know that it's all right. You can afford to mess up. It humiliates you, I'm certain, but you know that your Prince won't mind, not really. _

_Because that's what I am, correct? A prince. Kind and patient and unattainable. _

_Another connotation of the word "mean" is "base." Not cruel, but… lowly. And I could never be mean, could I? I'm above it. _

_So I listen and I think your prattle is cute. _

_Because that's what you know will happen. _

Chapter Three

I close my locker and nearly jump. "Haru!"

"Sorry." You look as if you mean it, though your tone doesn't change. "I guess I should wear a cow bell."

I stare at you blankly for a moment, then shake my head with a slight smile. "What do you want?"

"Nothing." You sling an arm possessively around my shoulders, steering me towards the doors. "But the others want you outside. For lunch. Tohru packed a picnic or something."

I lean away from your arm, but not enough that you feel you should take it away.

"So how're things?" You ask. You couldn't sound like you cared less.

"Fine."

"Oh?"

"Yes." I remember you saying something about it being better at Shigure's than the Main House at least, and add, "I've been sleeping better there."

Your arm relaxes. "That's good."

"I suppose… There they are." We start over to the blanket Honda-kun has spread out, a spot of bright yellow on the dark grass. She looks up and spots us, and you finally let go of my shoulders, if only to hook your fingers around my cuff.

"Yuki-kun! Hatsuharu-san!" She waves enthusiastically, as Momiji follows suit and Kyo glares.

I wave back and you head off to sit with Kyo.

But your eyes stay on me.

_I shouldn't keep letting you hold onto me like that, with your running joke. Even if it is just ragging – and I guess I know it isn't, not entirely – it isn't fair. But I'm so tired of wondering if it would be crueler to push you away, if letting you is teasing. I can't look out for you, Haru. I'm sorry. I can barely look out for myself, and I have to as much of that as I can or you get worried and it's even worse.  
_

_And the way I ignore you would be fine if we were just cousins, because you really are annoying. Going Black all the time, the inappropriate way you dress. _

_But we're not just cousins. I would have gone insane without you. _

_Sold to Akito like that… I didn't have a chance at owning myself. Right? You and Akito, you both knew I was weak. I hated it, hated it that you were both right, that curling up and not speaking didn't make it better. Didn't change anything. _

_But if I couldn't own myself, at least you could own me too. Not just Akito's. Being owned by you, even a little, that was better. You would have done anything I asked. And isn't that almost as good as owning myself? _

_We're not at the Main House now, Haru. _

"_This time, you will be mine." _

_Do you remember saying that? _

_You didn't need to, though. We both know that when I lash out at you, it's because I'm weak and it makes me cruel. And we both know that I'll make it up to you, because I'm kind. _

_Right, Haru? Weak and kind. That's what I am, isn't it. _

_So I don't shrug your arm off. _

_But I wish you'd take it off yourself_.

Chapter Four

When I do finally get home, I'm tired. President Makoto-san was very eager to discuss some new ideas with me, and it took rather a long time in the end. He can be a bit excitable, and I sometimes think he's not very good at dismissing the picture Haru put in his head the day he started here.

What do I expect, looking like this…

"Oh wonderful! Tohru, sweet flower, Yuki-kun is home! Let's eat!" Shigure exclaims happily, slipping onto his seat expectantly, as if Honda-san has nothing better to do than serve an adult man who is perfectly capable of getting his own food.

"Why'd we have to wait for him anyway?" Kyo grumbles, helping her to bring out some plates. I set down my bag and go to help as well.

Shigure sighs. "Ah, three attractive teenagers serving me all at once. I don't know if I can handle the euphoria…"

"Don't you start in on her –" Kyo starts as I rub my temples. He realizes he's been included and goes abruptly silent, perhaps speechless for once.

"Oh, Kyo-kun, don't be jealous of Tohru-chan! You're almost as good a cook, and you'd look just as ravishing in a maid's uniform –" At this point Shigure realizes he has passed the danger zone and jumps for his office, slamming the door just in time.

I grab Kyo's collar, stopping him from breaking the rice-paper door again. "Don't give him such a strong reaction and he won't try for it," I point out. "Honestly, if you would just ignore –"

"Gure-kun? My love, are you in?"

Kyo's angry face sinks into a smirk. "Let's see you do some ignoring," he snarls as you come in and spot me.

I wince. I'm right.

You instantly wrap me in a suffocating embrace, hair and robe tangling around me. "Yuki-kun! Just the one I was hoping to see! My sweet brother, I have decided that we shall eat dinner together! Where would you prefer to do it? Here or out? Or would you like to come back to my place?" I try to shove you off, but can't. I'm on the verge of seeing how strong you _are_ and not holding back, but then the Shigure's door opens.

"Aya!" He gasps. "If you only knew the pain I have endured, separated from you for these long months –"

"It's been four days!" I can't help protesting.

"Yuki, have you no sense of poetry? For those in love, every day is as a century," Shigure says reproachfully.

"Nii-san – get off –" behind me, you've clasped your arms around my chest like a snake around a rat.

"Oh, but Yuki! I cannot bear to be parted from you! Now, where would you like to eat?"

I give up, slumping against you. Your arms loosen from surprise. "Here," I say. You'll get distracted by Shigure eventually and leave me alone.

"Very well! Tohru-kun, another plate! Yuki has invited me to stay for dinner."

"I did not! And don't tell her to – Honda-san, I'll get his plate –"

"Oh, no, Yuki, don't be silly! This is wonderful. Ayame-san, sit down." She leaps up and rushes for the kitchen, giving us those looks darting, hopeful looks.

And you sit down, tugging me next to you.

_The way you cling… aren't you embarrassed? To cling like that when you're not wanted? You know you're not wanted, you don't deserve to be wanted. _

_I didn't cling to you when you shoved me away. _

_And now you think you can just… change your mind and everything will turn right around and be fine. _

_Only you don't think that, do you. Not really. You have so much energy, so much will. And everything always falls right into your lap when you try for it. Why shouldn't it? Everyone loves you. _

_You don't deserve it, though. You've done awful things. You know how cruel you can be, don't you, Ayame? You know… you deserve someone making you work. _

_So I do. _

_Even before, you saw me. You knew I how closed I was, that it wouldn't be easy. And I could have just pretended to let you in. I do it with so many people who think they want to know me. Pretend to let them in… _

_That isn't what you want, though. You want it for real, and you want to work for it. _

_One out of two. Not bad, is it, Nii-san? _

_You can work for it. _

_But you'll never have it. You can't just… change your mind. It's too late; it was already too late when I asked for your help. _

_You're just too late._

Chapter Five

"I'll be in my office," Hatori says.

_When he's done with you. _

"Thank you. Will you drive me home, or should I call Shigure?"

"No, I will."

The stalling isn't helping, so I open the doors to your room and hear Hatori slide them into place behind me. I kneel and touch my head to the mats, not wanting to look at you.

"Yuki."

I look up. The room is dark but for the golden light of the setting sun through your window. You sit against the light, a dark silhouette, and beckon.

I try not to let you hear the shaking breath I take as I walk over to you. You look so far away, but I've barely started before I'm there, just before you.

"What's wrong? You look frightened." Your voice is like cold silk being dragged across skin.

"Nothing… I don't – did I make you angry?"

"No, of course not, Yuki. Why? Have you done something I should know about?" You're laughing and trying to hide it, or at least letting it seem as if you're trying to hide it.

"No, Akito," I say quickly. I duck my head so that my hair hides my eyes and you gently raise my chin again, brushing your fingers over my lips.

I try not to move.

You sigh, and look away. "Sit with me."

I nod, uncertain as to where you mean, and you tug my arm impatiently. Limbs made clumsy by fear, I hitch myself up onto your windowsill.

You pull me over, back against your chest, and drape your arms around me. We sit this way for hours, and you make no other move.

You let me leave without so much as a cruel word, nothing but the brush of a goodbye kiss.

_And it works. What you were doing. You were proving, weren't you, that without a word, a touch, without putting me in that room or beating me, you can reduce me to tears and nightmares that night? _

_You know I used to wish… not for very long… that someone would stop you. Hatori or Shigure, maybe. Even Nii-san. I'd stopped that by the time I was five or six. I'd realized they love you too much to stop you, that they're too frightened. _

_Just as I am. _

_I have to hate one of us, Akito. And I've tried so hard, but it can't be you. I can't blame you. I'm angry at you, frightened of you, but… _

_But I love you. _

_That is what you want. Isn't it? For me to be unable to think straight when you're in the room, for me to wake up screaming in the night because of you and know that no one will hold me and if they would it wouldn't make a difference. _

_Why me, though? You know it is your fault. If you didn't favor me, Kyo wouldn't hate me. Nii-san wouldn't feel guilty. Haru wouldn't own my freedom. It's all… _

…_your… _

_I wish I could believe that. _

_In the end, I suppose… I should be grateful. Ever since I was small, I've had no sense of myself. Maybe that was because of you, because you made it so plain that nothing about me mattered. That all I had was you. _

_It doesn't change anything, though. It doesn't change the fact that without you, I wouldn't be here. I'm not really here. All I am is what you show me. All of you. _

_When I look in my heart, there's nothing there. _

_All I am is what you show me in your mirrors. _

Now please, please review! Again I say it, I live on them. I will starve to death without them. sniffle


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